Posts published under “Wasted Weekend”
Wasted Weekend: R.I.P. Premium Cable Edition
Sarah and Kimberly (at left; the Rest of the World, at right) are nothing if not “gals on the go.” They barely have time to honor each other via Luna bar and pick up a new pair of jeggings, let alone finish watching Center Stage for the tenth time. They are dancing as fast as they can! Wasted Weekend is a weekly discussion of the films they watched, half-watched, or turned off in disgust during the previous few days. We hope you still respect them after reading this.
Sarah: Kimberly! Boy, did I watch some embarrassing trash this weekend! Are you familiar with the made-for-TV film oeuvre of the SyFy channel? It is extensive and sort of amazing. I watched Dinoshark, starring Eric Balfour as a Mexican boat captain of some sort? Who is the only person capable of taking on an ancient shark/lizard that can *spoiler alert* jump out of the water and eat an entire helicopter? Dinoshark had been fossilized since prehistoric times, but the melting ice caps set him loose to rain destruction and random limb-eating on all of Puerta Vallarta’s finest beaches and teen water polo matches. As all SyFy original movies do, Dinoshark teaches us a valuable lesson: Let’s be sure to recycle, you guys. The arm you save could be your own.
Dinoshark!
Kimberly: Oh, SyFy, your cause is a noble one. I may be checking out more Dino-themed movies because, as you know, it’s a dark time in my household—my premium cable introductory package came to a sudden and unwelcome end. Now I will never know if the douches on the poor man’s Entourage successfully create a premium denim line. Or if Henry VIII finally finds love! I know I have friends and family who care about me…but sometimes it’s just hard, you know? For example, I endured about 30 minutes of Chapter 27—god knows why. If you like John Lennon, do not see this movie. If you like thought-provoking movies that are not pieces of doody, do not see this movie. It is mean and exploitative (it was partially filmed outside of the Dakota—where Lennon was killed and Yoko Ono still lives) and features La Lohan as a probably imagined character named…Jude. That is a McCartney song, you assholes! While I tried to take some pleasure in watching a gouty Jared Leto strolling around the streets of New York, wearing pleated fatpants and mumbling in the most ridiculous voice this side of Truman Capote, it was not quite worth it. Just Google “fat jared leto” and chuckle without guilt.
Shall we discuss the elephant in the room? The poppin’ and lockin’ elephant?
Wasted Weekend: Aliens, Then and Now Edition
Sarah and Kimberly (at left; the Rest of the World, at right) are nothing if not “gals on the go.” They barely have time to honor each other via Luna bar and pick up a new pair of jeggings, let alone finish watching Center Stage for the tenth time. They are dancing as fast as they can! Wasted Weekend is a weekly discussion of the films they watched, half-watched, or turned off in disgust during the previous few days. We hope you still respect them after reading this.
Sarah: Kimberly! This weekend was packed with movies for you! Can’t wait to hear more about your Oscar nominee marathon. While you were supporting this year’s best in film, I continued doing my part to boost weekend network TV ratings, starting with watching the majority of Accepted on Comedy Central. Even though the hilarity suffers from the language edit, this movie is still pretty funny. And it gets credit for introducing me to the comedy stylings of Jonah Hill. Life would be emptier without his hijinks. Also starring Blake Lively before fame of the Gossip Girl or Travelling Pants variety. Fine weekend fun.
Ask Jonah Hill about his wiener.
Kimberly: Sarah! I also enjoy Accepted! It’s too bad that Justin Long can’t continue to play teenagers—his pasty sarcasm was perfect for that genre. I am sorry to say that I saw him in part of He’s Just Not That Into You (watched for Women’s Studies research purposes, I swear) and it is simply unsettling when he makes out with girls like a grownup.
Anyhoo! It’s true, I am still recovering from an unusually high popcorn, cheese, and SweeTart consumption on Saturday. And I’ve hit my flat soda quota for the year much earlier than usual. So Avatar. No surprises here. Hacky dialogue (“A guy with a gun ends [another guy’s] journey…for the paper in his wallet.”), check. Pointless use of 3D technology (Watch out for that Chinese yo-yo!), check. Hokey sex scene featuring hacky dialogue (“We are mated for life.”), check. While I appreciate J.C.’s “respect nature” message, perhaps the $300+ million spent on this movie would have been better served, you know, saving nature?
Wasted Weekend: Pity the Affleck Edition
Sarah and Kimberly (at left; the Rest of the World, at right) are nothing if not “gals on the go.” They barely have time to honor each other via Luna bar and pick up a new pair of jeggings, let alone finish watching Center Stage for the tenth time. They are dancing as fast as they can! Wasted Weekend is a weekly discussion of the films they watched, half-watched, or turned off in disgust during the previous few days. We hope you still respect them after reading this.
Kimberly: Sarah! In honor of our inaugural edition, I managed to fit in viewings of some terrible movies this weekend. Firstly, I am troubled by the youth of today. The boys look like this, the girls pose like this, and they are scared by weenie crap like Paranormal Activity. Have you seen this yet? It is in no way frightening, and I say this as someone who has slept with the hall light on for the last year after reading the first chapter of The Strain and watching Dawn of the Dead during Wasted Weekend: Nah, I Don’t Need Sleep to Live Edition. The plot holes in this thing are a mile wide (what 20-ish couple wouldn’t post actual videos of ghosts/demons on YouTube immediately? Or change their Facebook status to “Looking for a demonologist”?) and by the end I was happy to see—SPOILER ALERT—these two defeated by Satan. Good one, Dark Lord! (By the way, did you know that demons have chicken feet? FACT.)
Shouty Armageddon Affleck loves Liv, America.
Sarah: Kimberly! The thought of Satan having chicken feet is actually super scary! In a circus freak kind of way, which may not actually be what they were going for. So, I think people will be able to tell right away which of us has the better cable package, because while you watched a movie that came out in the last year, I watched parts of several terrible movies that have not graced a screen in many moons. First up, the last 40 minutes of Armageddon on TNT. What can be said about this genuine P.O.S. (that is short for Piece of Shit, everybody) movie that hasn’t already been said? Not much. Why do I have any respect for Ben Affleck? I think it must be that I just feel bad for him about how much everyone made fun of him when he turned himself orange and dated J-Lo? That was so embarrassing. But, really, he is so unforgivably bad in this movie. The Liv Tyler love scenes are unwatchable. What the hell is Buscemi doing in there? Notable: Every single line of dialogue in the last 25 minutes is SCREAMED. Not a single word is uttered using inside voices. “GET BACK ON THE SHIP AND TAKE CARE OF MY DAUGHTER BECAUSE I WON’T BE THERE BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO BLOW UP FOR THE SAFETY OF THE PEOPLE OF EARTH!” “NOOOOOOOO!” “DO IT!” “OKAY!” Despite my husband’s protestations to the contrary, this movie is still as stupid as it was the first time we all saw it. Next! Read more »
